It Doesn’t Have To Make Sense
As I was making a little pallet for Gabriel, my heart sunk a little thinking that I’ve never made him a nursery. Never has he had a crib. There are no pictures for that section of his baby book.
But then I looked outside and saw Michael walking him to sleep amongst the most beautiful backdrop of Fall leaves I have ever had the joy of seeing.
I smiled so big standing there all by myself when it dawned on me “He might not have a crib or nursery, but he literally has the whole world right at his tiny little fingertips.”
I’m still learning. Still learning to break away. Still learning to be my own mold. Still learning not to compare. Still learning who I AM. Not who I thought I should be – but who Laine is. To her core.
Back story with the crib/nursery is that when I FINALLY got pregnant ?? ?? for the first time I wanted to do every single thing perfectly right. My nursery was just right and finished way before I had Grady. I had read Baby Wise twice before he was born. I followed the book to the detail his whole life. With Layla it was very similar except I also read “how to raise a girl” books. I was terrified I would fail her. Cried often with fear that we wouldn’t be best friends. I didn’t know how that mother/daughter relationship looked. I just knew I didn’t want to mess it up. Chason was a wild card. I didn’t read the book, but had it memorized by then and still followed it. I had postpartum depression with him. The aftermath of the miscarriage I had before him mixed with allowing myself to feel the effects that my parents divorce had on me came crashing down.
That’s when the shift began. I reached out for help. That would be my number one least favorite thing to do EVER. I am the girl that will be carrying 17 bags of groceries ON EACH ARM with my fingers about to break. And when someone asks if they can help I respond with a smile “Oh I’m okay! Thank you though!” Why do we do that?! Or is it just me?! I’m working on that. Breaking that unhealthy pride.
So after reaching out for help and getting my body truly healthy, I began to see life through a different lense. It’s amazing how clearly you can see when your vision and mind isn’t fogged with stress and anxiety and depression and busyness and comparison and worry and fear and … you get the point. So I laid down the books. I laid down the worry of what people thought of me. I laid down the comparison. I slowly allowed God to strip away my identity. It wasn’t a fun process at times – but man so freeing!
So here we have a surprise baby! We still don’t know how it happened, lol! I mean we kinda know but we don’t really know – ya know?! Like all the knows?! Haha! Okay, get back on track Laine!
We found out we were pregnant. Days later Michael tells me he felt God wanted us to see EVERYTHING (including my dream home) and buy a truck and fifth wheel. Days after that our house was on the market. So, take a minute to swallow that pill! CRAY-ZAY TOWN! It’s been a rollercoaster every since! I didn’t do a nursery because I didn’t know if we would be living in house or a fifth wheel when we was born. I didn’t buy ALL of the things because I realized it was only for show. All he really needed was me and diapers ?
He sleeps with me. I nurse on demand. We aren’t on a sleep schedule. We aren’t on any schedule. You could say he controls me. That’s what the books would say. If that’s what this is – then he does and it makes me blissfully happy. Because I’m listening to MY instincts. I’m doing this LAINE’S way. I’m not any other mother and I don’t want to be. I don’t care how it looks – I only care about how I make him feel! God didn’t give him to the perfect Mom with the perfect schedule. God gave him to ME because I am exactly what he needs. Isn’t that beautiful?! Isn’t it wonderful?! IT IS SO FREEING!
Side note to any new Moms: you do YOU. Whatever that looks like. Following all the books or none of them. Just please know that you are the perfect match for that baby. Don’t compare yourself to any other Momma. What a blessing you are to your little one! You can never kiss or hold that sweetheart too much so make out with them little cheeks every moment you can!
In the beginning I felt I needed to have a reason. A plan. It needed to make sense. For me a little … but mainly for everyone else. I needed an explanation for my friends and family. It seemed absurd to do what we were about to do … and immature … and stupid … and irresponsible … and it just didn’t make sense. I was embarrassed. When people would start asking questions about where we were going, why we were going, what was the purpose, what did our kids think, how long would we be gone, etc !!! I would literally feel nauseas.
Then I would come home and shoot those questions right at Michael. ANSWERS! I needed answers so I didn’t feel like an idiot trying to explain something I didn’t understand. My chest gets tight even typing about it. PRESSURE. Such pressure. Why was I agreeing to it when I was so torn? At first, to be a submissive wife. Now looking back, it’s because there is a little wild in my soul that has always desired to live a CRAZY life … one that doesn’t fit into the puzzle that the world has created.
Adventurous. But that had been buried for so long. That is something we are supposed to “grow out of” … right?
Well maybe. But I’ve decided something. God didn’t say so. He didn’t say I had to work a 9 to 5 that I didn’t enjoy. He didn’t say I had to put my kids in public school. He didn’t say I have to go to church every Sunday. He didn’t say I had to live a uniformed, stationary life. He didn’t say I had to raise my kids to do that either. He didn’t say we all have to be the SAME. What He did say is to:
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.”
“freely you have received; freely give.”
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.”
“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy; and where thieves break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”
These are just a few from Matthew!
Y’all, you do YOU!
God calls some to be the President of a company – one that prays over their employees and runs an honest business.
He calls some to be the school janitor that prayers over the students and staff as he/she cleans.
Some are called to be stay and home moms.
Some are called to be the bubbly receptionist that we all enjoy being on the other end of the line with.
The point is – we are ALL CALLED TO SOMETHING!!!!!
Find your calling! Seek it! Chase it! He will reveal it to you! Inside of that is where you will find FREEDOM!
I don’t have all the answers and that feels REALLY REALLY GOOD … let the adventures begin.