Go to Bed Mad
It’s been a rough couple of days. After being broke down in GA for 4 days without a vehicle, we then found ourselves “boondocking” in Walmart parking lot last night.
I feel if you take time out of your life to read my blogs, I owe it to you to be real, raw and undone. With that being said, I seriously wanted to smack Michael right in the head last night. I’m sure he wanted to do the same to me, ha! We were arguing so intensely that if I could have drove off and found a dirt road to let loose on I would have. But my truck was hooked to a fifth wheel (which ticked me off) so that wasn’t an option. For real though, I’m all about “roughing it” if we are camping in a tent. But we aren’t camping. Gabriel was sweating bullets (we are in FL) and Grady said he couldn’t sleep because he was too hot. Long story short, Michael and I did not agree to disagree. We just flat out disagreed. I was mad that he wouldn’t turn the generator on so the kids could have some air and he was mad that I was making such a big deal about it. We went to bed mad.
They always say to never go to bed mad. Let me just insert my thoughts on that after being married 11 years:
Going to bed mad is better than going to bed pretending that you’re not. You see many nights we made up, but my heart was still hurt and I just learned to bury it. Every time. Until one day I found myself numb to feelings. Any feelings. I didn’t even get mad at him anymore. So in true “Laine fashion” – I don’t do what the rule says just because it’s a rule.
Also I’ve learned going to bed mad lasts for like 2 seconds because I can NOT stay mad no matter how bad I want to. Just like last night, as soon as I crawled into bed all I wanted was to snuggle ? … but I mean ?
Today was a typical “moving day”. Nothing special and one of our easier ones as nothing got broke ??
On our way here I was really seeking my heart. Usually when Michael and I get into it I’ve learned there is something underlying in both of our hearts so “drive time” was good to dissect that a little. I pin pointed that I overcompensate when it comes to the kids because I still have a shred of doubt inside of me that I’ve messed up as a parent by having them in this crazy fulltime traveling life. I know I know, this is the coolest thing ever. I do know that – but I’m still a Mom and I doubt myself. So I did at least identify why I was so passionate about that generator last night ?
I also think I’ve pinpointed Michael’s underlying thing – but I’ve also learned in 11 years that it’s not my job to tell him!
Tonight I decided was going to be great! And great it was! I danced with the kids, everyone had baths, I made biscuits and gravy and we watched Andy Griffith. That’s our kind of night! I then started to throw together some homemade banana nut bread for Michael and I. Finally getting in my groove when I realized I didn’t have baking powder! How the heck I allowed myself to run out of that is beyond me. But I already had ingredients mixed so I ran to the store to grab it … and a “few” other things. Got back at 10pm to throw the bread in the oven quickly, as it has to bake for an hour. I then learned that Michael had let us run out of propane. So all of that for nothing. Nobody did anything wrong – I’m not mad at Michael or myself. But that sucks.
As I lay here nursing my baby, the kitchen still a mess and so much left to do before calling it a night I realize this:
1. My marriage has come so far! We have been the couple that was fighting all the time and just flat out mean to each other. We have been the couple that was roommates. Now we have found our balance. Still enough passion for a heated disagreement, but enough wisdom to know how to handle it.
2. Problems are problems. You have them no matter where you live, who you live with or what your circumstances are. It’s all how you handle them that makes you.
3. I still have a lot of self growth to accomplish.
4. We still have much to learn about this new life and I am starting to have longings for stability. This too shall pass … but trying to identify it as it does.
Y’all get the nitty gritty. That’s it. Little late night thoughts from Laine ❤️