Fire Builder

My Heart Needs a Minute

Guilt.
Doubt.
Fear.

The last week I’ve carried these pretty heavily. I’ve masked it well – but my heart has ached multiple times. When Layla asked if she could go spend the night with Copper (our dog we left with the family that bought our home) – my heart hurt because I feel like that’s her way of expressing being homesick. When Chason FaceTimed his cousins (and bf) Dawson and Dawson was talking about school, Chason said he wanted to go to school. I just took that opportunity from him. He won’t walk into a new school building with a cute little backpack and take those first day of school pictures. Had I failed them? Should I have refused to do this? Literally have had moments of feeling my heart starting to break.

But then this. When we first put our home on the market a little over a year ago we told the kids what was on our hearts. Grady was the only one old enough to kind of comprehend it. We wanted him to feel involved from the get go and know that his opinions and thoughts and feelings mattered. For some reason, the first thing he said was that he wanted to be the campfire guy. He wanted to be in charge of starting all of our campfires and it would be his job and his job only. We totally rolled with it and it’s been talked about throughout this journey from time to time. Well tonight it happened. Grady got the wood and started our very first campfire. He was so proud and in that moment so was I. In that moment I breathed. In that moment I smiled. In that moment I had peace. In that moment I had assurance.

I needed that moment. You see, we have made sacrifices. I have made choices that will make my kids childhood a little different from the “norm” – but I’m really really glad for that! They might not get to go to buy their preschool nap mat, but they’re going to get to climb an elephant rock. They might not get to see Copper for a few months, but they’re gonna get to see bears and buffalo and moose out in the wild. Grady might have left some really great friends behind, but he’s already made 2 really good ones out here on the road. They will learn ALOT about friendships actually. They will gain confidence in who THEY are. Who God created them to be. They will see us prosper and they will see us fail. They will see how we react when things go right and when things go wrong. And they will see love. True love. They will see discipleship and what it means to build relationships. They will see that sometimes the best things in life are the ones that make you look a little crazy. They will get us. All of us. Every day. They will see we made sacrifices to get here. But some things are worth the sacrifice.

So tonight I can rest my head (and my heart) with a pure confidence that we are doing the right thing for them. God didn’t call us out here for us. He has them in the forefront of His mind. I believe that.