Do More things that Make your Guts Shake
We just experienced the most exhilarating, breath-taking, terrifying – make your guts shake kind of day!
I have to preface this, which is why we are doing a blog instead of a post. We had been without cell service for 2 weeks and as soon as we got back in range a rainstorm of pressures came blowing in every direction and my mood changed immediately. I was SO “BEHIND.” For 4 years I have put my heart and much of my time into my work. I do not regret it. It was exactly what God lead me to do and I did it with a joyful heart. That all shifted last month. Gods promise to me happened and we hit the top rank of my company. I worked for THAT. I need for nothing more and refuse to get caught in the rat race of stress and busyness that I longed and worked hard to escape. It isn’t my calling. My calling is LIVING and inspiring others to do the same. Sharing JESUS. Sharing HOPE. Helping my team reach this same place of freedom. So there I was – allowing the enemy to sneak in and tell me all of these pressures were urgent and I needed to baptize myself into WORK.
But as we began to drive back to camp this dirt road grabbed my heart and I said “let’s just keep driving” … so we drove on past camp. The next thing we know we are driving up the side of a mountain on rough terrain. Windows down, hair blowing, waving at every other jeeper we see. Before I know it, there is a big smile on my face. A relaxed heart. A bubbling soul. THIS is exactly where we were supposed to be in that moment. So we continued. Found another trail … Ice Lakes Trailhead.
If you’ve ever been around me for any period of time you probably know that I struggle with fear when it comes to my kids. Especially with the life we live. I’ll let them get dirty, have fun, eat dirt, scrape their knees … but then there are other things like “strange danger”. It is real to me. I’m aware of the sickness in this world and and I’m like a cat ready to pounce 24/7. If there is a cliff close my body literally shakes. Trembles. I had a dream when Grady was 4 years old. It was vivid. He fell of a cliff. I can still see it. It was horrid and still haunts me. That is the reasoning behind my absolute panic on our hikes. I try so hard to overcome. But there are real tears and a real lump in my throat every single hike that has any danger. Every Jeep trail that has danger. I have no control. I hate the feeling. The depth of my fear is unexplainable and what it does to me physically just plain sucks. BUT!
I refuse to let it win. Fear is not from the Lord and I will not bow down to it. I will face it. I will live and let my kids live. I will allow my body to go through the misery until someday, I pray – it gets easier. So far that hasn’t happened but I’ll never stop.
After we had already gone up a very scary “to me” jeep trail and I had already shoved much panic and fear down inside of me to not ruin it for my family – we pull over to check out a waterfall. It was a 50 ft drop off. So we grabbed some pictures and was heading back to the Jeep (hallelujah ??) when Michael said he wanted to go check out this huge rock that was hanging over the cliff. Cool. Go do that ? … for those that don’t know: “pre-kids” I was the girl running out on the cliffs, doing the dangerous things, taking the chances and LOVING IT! But until my babies are all saved, married and living their best life – taking chances is not the top of my list! Lol!
Okay back to Michael. He came back from the rock and said “If it’s okay I would like to take yuns all out there. It’s amazing.” I agreed because I could feel a stirring inside of me. A knowing that this moment was lead by the Lord. So one by one he took us out to this rock and found everyone a safe spot to sit. You must know that this is our life and our kids are very educated and experienced in these situations. They know to take it serious and they know the magnitude of the experiences. So we sat. We experienced. We breathed. We took a picture. It was truly beautiful. It was a moment that time stood still. It was exactly where we were supposed to be. We carefully and one by one headed back to the Jeep. I felt like a million bucks! I hadn’t ruined their moment with my fear. I had experienced it with them. All of us had faced a fear together. We had a mountain top moment. Literally.
It didn’t end there. Michael and Grady saw a trail literally on the side of a cliff that leads to another overhang over the river. They wanted to do it and wanted me to stand on previous rock to take their picture. So we loaded the other kids in jeep and locked them in ? I have never felt my body tremble in the way that it was in this moment. My heart violently beating inside of my chest. Tears falling. Yet just such a knowing that it was okay. That Michael has Grady and God had them both. And that this moment would be life altering for this father and son. So I stood their knees shaking while they walked alongside a mountain. Then they stood at the edge for several minutes. Having a conversation that I can promise you God lead. For a moment – the JOY outweighed the fear. I soaked in the exhilaration of the moment. I laughed by myself on that rock just watching my boys with such delight. So proud. Salty tears are falling upon my lips as I type … the feeling is so fresh. Upon their safe return Michael said “You gotta do it babe.” So off I went. I already knew I was going to. It’s inside of me and Grady is mature enough to grasp the importance of it all. So with them watching, Momma made her way to the edge. Terrified and in total heaven all at the same time.
The experience ended with the 3 of us arm in arm walking back to the Jeep when I had the overwhelming urge to pray over our son. There on the mountain top GOD SPOKE LIFE into him. We prayed. We cried. We laughed. I think it was the part when I said “I promise my GUTS are shaking!” That brought that on ?
I’ll end with what I told Grady. I said, “Son, we all need to do more of the things that make our guts shake. Do the things that scare you – just do them safely and only with the Lords leading. He made you really brave son.”