Tonight as I scrolled fb I noticed another family/friends Momma had changed back to her maiden name. My heart sunk. Tears burned my eyes. An uninvited lump in my throat appeared and sorrow reared it’s ugly head.
As I’ve mentioned – and as stupid as it sounds – I am uncomfortable with feeling emotions that make me feel vulnerable. I avoid them at all cost.
I grew up in a big imperfect loving family. There were 7 of us. We lived on a pig farm, in rent houses, in neighborhoods and in what most would call a dream house. We were poor some years and not poor other years. We fought hard and loved hard. We vacationed almost yearly and those were some of the best times. My parents bought a boat that I’m sure they couldn’t afford but some of the best things don’t make sense, right? Lake days were and still are my favorite days of life. At the lake – worry seems to wash away. The breeze from the boat ride just blows off all sadness, anger, worry, doubt and fear. Ya know? We had a lot of lake days. Really great ones. I can still hear my Moms laugh. I can still see my Dad doing his best Steve Erkle impression 😂. I can feel my big sister wrap her entire leg around my body to survive “tube rides”, see my little sister curled up under the dash in the boat and the many tricks my brother and I tried to pull while double skiing together. I can still remember Mom and Dad speeding off to the hospital to have my youngest brother. Just little things. Little happy moments that are now things I train my brain to think on.
See, divorce sucks them all away. The enemy gets in and he lies to us – making us believe it was all a lie. But it wasn’t. The happy times WERE HAPPY. That was real. Those laughs were real. Those family nights were precious. Those game nights were wonderful. Playing round robin for hours created roars of REAL laughter. The hard times were real too. The fights. The lies. The depression. All very real. But divorce somehow makes us feel like we should discredit the really wonderful times.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this. I would like to just go on acting like my parents divorce was sad for my family but not allowing my heart to be included in that. But then seeing a friend experience it makes these emotions come out in me that I haven’t allowed myself to feel yet. Knowing what her and her siblings are experiencing hurts worse than when I went through it. Why? I have no idea. But it does. I’m burdened for this family that is putting on their strong faces. I still wear mine. Until this. Gosh. Fear just overtook me. Can I even post this? Will it just stay in the notes of my phone? Why now? Is it the open road? Too much time – allowing me to go deeper into my thoughts – my heart? Is this a healing process?
You never know when life is going to change forever because of someone else’s choices. I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with my first child. I woke up one morning with my biggest worry being “will my water break in Walmart?” to laying down the next morning (without having slept yet) praying that when I woke up it would all just have been a nightmare from hell. But when I woke up I realized it was real. I hadn’t shed a tear yet – I was terrified to hurt the baby so I had remained emotionless through the “night from hell.” Trying to just be there for my siblings and parents. But when I woke up I knew if I didn’t release the build up my blood pressure would send me into labor (which it did 2 weeks later). So I went into the shower where the tears would blend with the water. I softly cried it out – trying to cry gently and not stress the baby. I got out, sit in my bedroom floor and I wrote. I wrote a lot. Then I closed my journal.
I’m mad that I had to experience that night from hell. Wow. First time I’ve experienced that emotion. Anyways, I got dressed and I went on. That was it. I turned that part of my heart OFF. I turned my focus towards MY husband and baby. It was my survival – or my escape. Until now. For some reason God is opening this all back up. I long for things that will never happen since my parents are divorced.
Divorce. Freaking. Sucks.
If you’re struggling, reach out! Turn to Jesus! Be the change! Don’t give up so quick! Your choices will effect generations to come. Generations. Sometimes it takes being selfless. Sometimes it takes sacrifice. But I believe in most situations, it’s worth hanging in there for. Michael and I have both given each other reasons to walk away. So I get it. We’ve been there. I’m SO GLAD we didn’t quit.
Please know I do not judge anyone at all. Period. Not one single bit. Promise. I know all situations are different and you can NEVER judge someone – especially if you’ve never walked in their shoes. I’m just a 33 year old woman that the little girl inside just welled up in and had a moment. And I think people need to talk about it. Divorce isn’t glamorous or freeing. It’s lonely and painful. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. It’s a lie.
Good things can come from all situations for sure! God can turn ashes to beauty! He can bring forth joy and peace from any situation! I love Him – even though He is stretching me WAY beyond my comfort zone … if that’s what it takes to be closer to Him – I’ll go there.
I guess I’ll post this … although I might slap myself in the morning once I’ve slept …